I don't like to think of myself as afraid, but last night when I was trying to fall asleep I felt like fear was paralyzing me. Ryan and I are applying to the Peace Corps this month. By the end of the summer we should know if and where we are going. The possibilities are exciting and frightening; we could be living in a hut without running water and electricity or in an apartment very similar to our own; we could be learning an African dialect or working on Russian with a room full of other volunteers. The uncertainty thrills a small part of me, but the larger part, the more developed, dominant part, is hating the unknown.
I have always liked having a plan. Too a fault, I have planned out my life over and over again. Part of the reason I have been able to do so well at school is due to my obsessive habit of thinking ahead. When I was a freshman in college, I was already thinking about grad school. The past two years have involved meticulous planning; I have taken the right classes, worked with the right people, and developed the needed skills to be a very competitive candidate for doctoral work. Ryan and my friends can attest to the level of work I have put into this endeavor. It is not an understatement to say that I haven't had much of a life outside of school.
And then I realized the other week, that this (all of this planning and work and sucking up to teachers) is not what I want to do anymore. I realized that more than anything I want marry Ryan and LIVE.
So I have scrapped grad school for now. I have put away my GRE books, my anthologies of American and British literature, and I have even allowed myself to turn in an essay that is less than perfect. And it feels good.
Ever since I was in high school, I wanted to join the Peace Corps. I wanted to get married and leave. I wanted to find someone who could love me and who could love others. And I found him. And we are going to go. And we are going to LIVE in Botswana or Jordan or Cambodia, anywhere in the world. And I am not going to be able to plan for that. It is scary, I am afraid, and I couldn't sleep until 2 AM last night. But I also am feeling more alive than I have for a very long time, and I think this fear means something good is happening inside of me.
2 comments:
amen. and amen. just getting to know you and the possibility of being a witness to that LIVING is exciting for me, so i can't imagine what is popping inside of your head and your heart.
now i can't wait for two things...to call you, "You're ENGAGED!?!!" and to write on your facebook wall. yee haw.
Richard Bach once said,
“When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you'll find something solid to stand on
Or you'll be taught how to fly!”
I can't express how happy I am for the two of you. It won't hurt to let those GRE books collect some dust for a couple of years and there is nothing we need more than brilliant, expressive young people like you and Ryan with a gritty world view--the Peace Corps will give you that. Just as I did when MJ left, I will cry when we see the two of you off, out of sadness but mostly joy. But before we make it that far, we've gotta get you guys hitched! I love you two.
Josh
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